My Testimony

I am starting this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I want to share the fabulous things that God is doing in our lives. I hope to be a witness to the powerful healing power of love and forgiveness. Second, God's amazing blessings will be sending us far from our family and friends and I hope this will be an avenue to keep connected to those of you I love!! Most of you probably know of Jason and I's struggles through most of our marriage. If not, I will bring you briefly up to speed. Jason has struggled with addiction; primarily alcohol. Addiction creates chaos in families. Chaos in your personal relationship. Chaos in your finances. Chaos in your job. It touches everything. On the other side of addiction is the enabler, me. The one that tries to fix everything. Cover up mistakes. Take a second job because of the "hidden" bleed in the budget. I would have done almost anything to "fix" Jason and our life.

Three years ago God got ahold of me in a way I could not resist. He helped me realize that without Him I had no hope of ever healing my family. So I gave Jason to God. I stopped enabling. Stopped fixing. AND starting praying and not just praying like you do at dinner but praying down on my knees. I prayed and I sobbed. I prayed and I begged. I even prayed and bargained. I was sobbing, begging, and bargaining because what I had hoped would happen when I gave Jason to Jesus wasn't happening. Our life was falling apart even more not just because of his addiction but because I wasn't fixing things anymore. Everything finally came to a head when the only thing left for me to do was leave Jason. So in June of 2007, Jason and I were separated.

I can sum up the misery of the next 13 months with 3 stabs at rehab for Jason, 4 moves for the boys and I, and the last almost fatal (literally)blow came in July 2008 when Jason landed in the hospital with pancreatitis after being homeless for almost 5 weeks. He nearly drank himself to death under the agony of losing his family but not having the strength to do anything about it. What he soon would learn was that the strength he was missing was the strength only God can give us as He carries us through the storms of our lives.

Jason was in the hospital for a month and spent another month regaining his health enough to take the next step. While in the hospital I filled out 2 applications for him, one at Teen Challenge and the other at Heartland Ministries. Both were 18 month programs focused on the healing power of Christ over addiction. Jason choose to pursue Heartland Ministries because of the opportunity to work and pay for his treatment as a part of the program.

So in August of 2008, after signing divorce papers, Jason left for Heartland- 3 and 1/2 hours from us and unsure of our future. In the meantime, I filed the papers we had signed and received a final court date- November 19th, 2008. I was sure I was doing the right thing. I comforted myself with the thought that if Jason did get better we could always remarry someday. God had other plans. The final two weeks before our court date were miserable. I struggled every day, every moment, with the idea that I was doing the wrong thing. God worked on me so hard that I finally gave in and called Heartland and asked if I could visit Jason. I had to see for myself why God wanted me to go see Jason so bad. On Novemer 15th 2008- 4 days before our court date, I saw Jason for the first time in 3 months; the longest time we had been apart since I was 17. What I saw and heard was something I had never seen from my husband. True remorse, true humility, and submission to God's will. He didn't try to manipulate and talk his way out of anything. He listened to me...

The next move was mine. A move which I took with amazing ease. I forgave him with no strings attached. I forgave him knowing he may hurt me again but that God would take care of me even if Jason couldn't. What FREEDOM I felt. I didn't have to hold on to the anger, bitterness, resentment, or revenge anymore. I, WE, could move on.

So where are we now?? Well we are trying everyday to prepare our hearts and minds for the time when we can be together again. God is putting back some of the old feelings and amazing to us both some NEW feelings. The boys and I are visiting as much as we can- usually twice a month. He is only allowed to call twice a week for 15 minutes so we connect through letters and we both are reading the same book- "The Love Dare". AND we are moving to Heartland in May. Another amazing part of this story is the place Jason is at. The program is centered around Christ and not only works to help the addict heal but also works to heal families. The community rallies around each other and families are restored. For more about Heartland visit www.heartland-ministries.org Our story is an amazing one of love, faith, mercy, and grace!!